11:18 PM

It’s an exciting old world out there. So many things to do. So many places to go.

We’re sitting in a holding pen right now my family and I. Staring out at the world from the safety of this place we think, dream and imagine about the places we’ll go. 
Oh the places we will go! 
We’d like to travel the world going to new churches, seeing what they do. 
We’d like to meet people, become their best friends and tell the whole city about Jesus. We’d love to work in a church that does stuff. A church that moves, a church that is great at everything. A rocking band, brilliant preaching, hospitality like no other.

I think about these things and I want them now. I’m a little firecracker ready to burst. Ready to step out in faith and do things for the Lord. “Use me!” I say. I’m ready to pop and when I do I’ll make a big old pretty colour just for you!

But we’re sitting in this holding pen and in here I try things and a lot of the time they fail. I decide one morning to be bold and talk to that person only to say the wrong thing and feel stupid. 
I get all ready to open my etsy store and help make money and be industrious for my family and then the support dries up and it seems like not such a good idea. 
I decide to be a parent who thinks of God and not of what I “should” be doing and then I have a week of terrible naptimes and think I’m doing it all wrong. 
I decide to use this blog for good and write meaningful posts only to barely write any all year. 
For the first time in my life I have been reading the word, getting into it and loving it and all of a sudden the things I try to do keep failing. 
For the first time in my life I was angry at God.  “I’m doing this for you! Why do the things I try to do keep failing?”

But then I read psalm 46. “Be still and know that I am God” it says.

Who is the one that acts?

Who is the one with the plan?

Who is the one who knows what is right?

I’m this tiny firecracker wanting to burst and make a pretty colour. But the thing about firecrackers is that they only last a minute or so. After the colour fades and the smoke clears there is nothing left but an empty shell. I’ve got to wait, I’ve got to learn, I’ve got to grow. I’ve got to be still and know that He is God.

All I want to do is go out and be amazing but there’s a long road of making mistakes from here to there. I wish I could skip the mess and go straight to the amazing but that’s never the way it works. It’s hard to watch people who are out of the holding pen or standing at the gate and feel like I should be where they are. 
But I am sure that to be still and listen to God when he has things to say is something that brings great joy.

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